I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
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movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!