I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
You Might Also Like
another case of gang violins
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
bout dat hot dog summer
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.