I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
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If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
the answer was staring at me all along
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.