“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
You Might Also Like
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.