I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
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Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
new career option?
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Things will get butter, keep churning
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”