[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
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Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
That’s classic.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord