I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
You Might Also Like
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
My time has come.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo