I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
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Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
selfie game
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh