It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
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Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Denise please return my vape pen
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses