I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
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jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.