I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
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For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical