@TitansHomer: I wouldn't say I "missed" your call.
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@ch000ch: cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
@dafloydsta: [on a date] *wonders if she'll steal my fries while I use the restroom* *shakes Magic 8 ball* "YES" *takes plate of fries with me*
@1_swarthy_dude: Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
@Reel2Dialog2: Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself. Me: What? No way. Pizza: Why not? Me: That's a really good point.