I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
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Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you