My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
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My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
I think the cat got the dog high.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?