If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
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My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.