I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
You Might Also Like
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
it must be school picture day
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
awkward
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Just ordered me some pizza!
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.