I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
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Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Nice try, poison.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
What about second breakfast?
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some