I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
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When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.