I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
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My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
I only say stupid things when I talk.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.