“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
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Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Awwwww shit.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Mornin
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.