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@SoVeryBritish: “I wouldn’t worry if I were you” - Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
@newLettuce: Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
@AndyRichter: I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
@InternetHippo: I would absolutely slay the dating game if looks and personality didn’t matter
@bombsydoll: milk duds: when you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw
@BatBatshitcrazy: My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I'm pretty sure the end days are near.