“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
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cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.