I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
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When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.