I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
You Might Also Like
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”