I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
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Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Damn what did I do next
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please