I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
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Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Seems kinda suspicious
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie