I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
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Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.