[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
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my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
“That’s what” – She
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.