@realHamOnWry: I wrote 2793 tweets in advance. So if I die tomorrow, you won’t know until 2018.
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@HeyANow: Truth: My 85yr old grandmother's answering machine says, "I'll call you back when I want to, if I want to." Heroes are all around us.
@KatieKatCubs: Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
@Adam14: Hey, people who don't properly re-seal your half empty bags of potato chips... what's it like eating spider eggs?