@realHamOnWry: I wrote 2793 tweets in advance. So if I die tomorrow, you won’t know until 2018.
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@Brianhopecomedy: My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
@timdonakowski: When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
@BoydPetrich: Shouldn't Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
@ItsAndyRyan: 'Space Jam' never gets old - that's because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don't spoil. Hi, I'm Neil deGrasse Tyson.