@realHamOnWry: I wrote 2793 tweets in advance. So if I die tomorrow, you won’t know until 2018.
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@ibid78: [my 1st day as a doctor] I can't find a pulse [patient] that's a trashcan. I'm over here [me] hold on, I think this trashcan is dying
@ashmensch: Harry: Want to see a magic trick? Voldemort: Let's see what you got Potter. Harry: Got your nose! Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
@AmishPornStar1: It's almost summer and I'm only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
@heathesauruss: Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don't even know what types of blood there are