I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
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I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Happy Caturday!
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy