I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
You Might Also Like
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Finally, a door that understands me
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.