*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
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Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Don’t make me out nice you.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.