I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
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Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
happy valentine’s day to me
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…