I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
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I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Damn he played himself
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*