I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
You Might Also Like
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”