I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
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[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
how long have you had this for?
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
“What?”
– Jude
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?