@discoken: I wrote "Clarence sale" instead of "clearance sale" and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
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@Snarfernini: *boss walks in Me: I lost my contact Boss: Why are you naked & why is Greg under your desk? Me: Boss: Me: Shut the door when you leave
@mrjohndarby: Don't forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
@garrettbarry70: There's nothing more exciting than waking up with a half eaten burger in your hand.
@JB4Realz: [PHONE] "TSA, How can I help you?" Me: "Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!" Agent: "Umm..." Me: "DAMMIT, HE'S STARVING!"