I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
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Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
I’m awake but I object,
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
They must have gotten it to go.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.