I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
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When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
good work, detective
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.