I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
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Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
me when the borders lift
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.