I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
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If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry