I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
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“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Not😆🤣
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard