I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
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Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs