I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
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Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words