I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
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I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
I’ve had worse
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?