@LuvPug: I yelled "STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!" & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
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@ValeeGrrl: Husband said, "If you were really THAT funny you wouldn't have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY." So now I have a tombstone to select
@bobvulfov: DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
@LizHackett: I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
@sofarrsogud: [TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND] 'Oh yeah, I love to cook!' *removes salad from the microwave