@LuvPug: I yelled "STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!" & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
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@OtherDanOBrien: [Cat birthday party] *Cat opens gift from her husband* "It's...an empty box." *silence* "Oh honey, I love it!"
@BoozeWallet: [at gym] me: [wiping down equipment after finishing with it] cute girl: you don't have to do that with the vending machine. are you crying
@XLToast: Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog? Stranger: He's over there! Oh thank God! [steals little boy's corndog and runs away]
@Swain_Train47: Cop 1: You think Simon will escape? Cop 2: Nah, he's locked up in there good. Simon: Simon Says free me. Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.