I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
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“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad