I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
You Might Also Like
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM