just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what