Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
You Might Also Like
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”