Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
You Might Also Like
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
peak technology
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Brands during Pride
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Natty or not?
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Wait a minute…
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount