IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
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Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.