IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
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I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Stop making fast and furious movies.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
My birthstone is a marshmallow
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner