IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
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Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.